because there are too many...like 13 pages or something. Anyway, I like Evan's ideas for title, especially "By Blood" and "Tag".
What a lame first post.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Script Review
Alrighty, here is my review of the script. These are pretty general because I haven't read the previous drafts and Wrion caught the same technical errors I did and more.
First and foremost, to clear up some geographical confusion, think about naming the cabins with directions (North, East, etc.) instead of numbers. I can imagine the individual scenes but reading about action that takes place across the campsite, I'm severely confused. I guess it doesn't matter if we plan on accomodating to whatever location we can find, but if we are to build any of it, we're going to need a good idea of the general layout.
General question: is the alien/blackblood thing evil? It seems to restrain from violence unless threatened and other than self-replication/spreading of its self, it doesn't seem to have a master plan. I also agree with Wrion's idea of more mind-fucking... I didn't see the previous drafts but the cliche lines were bothering me as well. If we aren't supposed to know the blackblood's motive... mind-fuck the characters as well as the audience.
As a horror movie fanatic: you blew the blackblood load too early. When Renee gets infected, it outlines the laws of the blackblood (blood jumping to the mouth, regeneration and healing, and the clouding eyes). What I think you should do is let Renee wander into the wonds and get lost, but scrap her entire "affliction" scene. She will recover afflicted, but the audience is in the dark. This way, when she seduces Will, it will be much more shocking to see her afflict him and in the subsequent scenes, when Will survives being impaled and vice versa, the scenes will be much more disturbing to a first time viewer who doesn't know the in's-and-out's of blackblood. The workings of this alien are unsettling, but to start off the movie with Renee's scene prepares us for what is to come... build some tension and keep us guessing.
Overall, I dig it. I think that while it has some obvious nods to previous films, it still retains originality with subtle differences and character interaction. I still can't tell whether or not the blackblood is a conscious virus with mind-control or an alien that gets off by spreading.
And just some ideas for alternate titles:
Camp Athogen (get it?), Hematerrestrial, Under the Weather, By Blood, Tag, Stricken, Dismal, Jenn's Story, Marathon, Nowhere, Hailey's (a comet's name) Curse, 50 Miles and Super AIDS: The Musical. Like I said... just ideas.
First and foremost, to clear up some geographical confusion, think about naming the cabins with directions (North, East, etc.) instead of numbers. I can imagine the individual scenes but reading about action that takes place across the campsite, I'm severely confused. I guess it doesn't matter if we plan on accomodating to whatever location we can find, but if we are to build any of it, we're going to need a good idea of the general layout.
General question: is the alien/blackblood thing evil? It seems to restrain from violence unless threatened and other than self-replication/spreading of its self, it doesn't seem to have a master plan. I also agree with Wrion's idea of more mind-fucking... I didn't see the previous drafts but the cliche lines were bothering me as well. If we aren't supposed to know the blackblood's motive... mind-fuck the characters as well as the audience.
As a horror movie fanatic: you blew the blackblood load too early. When Renee gets infected, it outlines the laws of the blackblood (blood jumping to the mouth, regeneration and healing, and the clouding eyes). What I think you should do is let Renee wander into the wonds and get lost, but scrap her entire "affliction" scene. She will recover afflicted, but the audience is in the dark. This way, when she seduces Will, it will be much more shocking to see her afflict him and in the subsequent scenes, when Will survives being impaled and vice versa, the scenes will be much more disturbing to a first time viewer who doesn't know the in's-and-out's of blackblood. The workings of this alien are unsettling, but to start off the movie with Renee's scene prepares us for what is to come... build some tension and keep us guessing.
Overall, I dig it. I think that while it has some obvious nods to previous films, it still retains originality with subtle differences and character interaction. I still can't tell whether or not the blackblood is a conscious virus with mind-control or an alien that gets off by spreading.
And just some ideas for alternate titles:
Camp Athogen (get it?), Hematerrestrial, Under the Weather, By Blood, Tag, Stricken, Dismal, Jenn's Story, Marathon, Nowhere, Hailey's (a comet's name) Curse, 50 Miles and Super AIDS: The Musical. Like I said... just ideas.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Script Notes (Draft 6)
(note: P2 S5 = Page 2, Scene 5)
Praise
I like the restructuring of the beginning. I think it maintained everything important from the previous, getting it all to the audience more efficiently and entertainingly. Zack and Jenn seemed much more like protagonists in this version. Good work!
Renee credit card scene: awesome.
Renee is much more likable in the first 25 pages, and I think that’ s a good thing. Rolling her and Ashley into one character eliminated some weaker and duplicate scenes (seeing someone get afflicted again, the group debating whether or not someone is afflicted again). Having her be the first afflicted instead of Will solidifies her role as the antagonist from start to finish. In retrospect, previous drafts had a 24-like feel where killing one antagonist just revealed another working behind the scenes. Much better now.
Big Things
Lily’s thing for Renee doesn’t feel as well setup as in previous drafts (with Ashley), making the kiss come out of nowhere. At least two parts of that arc have been cut since the last draft: Lily being uncomfortable with Ashley’s boobs in her face on the bus, and Ashley accidentally changing in front of Lily. Not to sound like a boob-crazy male, but the thing on the bus really planted the seed for the whole arc, and I think that image can easily but transplanted into this draft (during Lily and Renee’s first conversation on the bus, or when they’re painting). Even with that, another middle step (in place of Ashley changing) might need to be added to make this arc feel complete.
Additionally, Lily's choice to kiss a woman made a lot more sense with Ashley: She was friendly, a tomboy, and spoke more than once about being open to new experiences. Not that these traits automatically equal lesbian/bi, but you could see how a desperate Lily could make that leap. With Renee, not so much.
One of my biggest problems with some of the previous drafts got worse in this draft: Why did Zack attack Tom with the axe and yell, “He’s one of them, they both are.” (P87 S99)? What indication does he have that Tom and Lily are afflicted? In the previous drafts there was Tom’s alien/zombie thing, which I thought was a weak reason to axe someone in the back of the head, especially when he’d already wrongfully killed Sam. I this draft Zack doesn’t even have that (thin) reason (although it was set up even more this time with the tabloid on the bus). There is no reason that Zack should know Tom is afflicted, enough so that he attacks him without any questioning or test. Let alone Lily.
Along those lines, I still don't see any kind of change in Zack. The part where Zack starts to bail then decides against it (S72) could function as this change, except for two things. 1) P83 S94: Zack is all about covering the exits and making sure Renee doesn’t escape. On P86 (S98) he decides again to bail with no real provocation. Doesn't this kinda cancel out the almost-leaving-then-deciding-to-help-the-others scene 72? He seems really flip-floppy at this part, changing his priorities to serve the dramatic tension of the scene, not with any kind of internal consistency. 2) As S72 written, it's a little unclear why Zack turns around and heads back to camp. I know it's supposed to be him deciding to help the others, but it looks like it could just as easily be him forgetting something. My suggestion: have him catch a glimpse of the graves right before he stops and says "Fuck..."
Is it part of the afflicted’s programming that when they outnumber the humans, they not only attack openly but also spout unnecessary, clichéd dialogue? Some examples: “We’re too strong for you now.” “You don’t stand a chance.” “Do you really think you can escape?” “You won’t get out of here alive.” All within the span of two pages. I see where you’re going: the afflicted talking calmly during these intense fights is unsettling. But these are pretty generic, weak taunts. Remember before when Will was tied to the tree and completely mind-fucking everyone? Some more of that here would be awesome. Taunts intended to confuse or disorient the humans. Simultaneous psychological warfare and ass-kicking. It’d be really unsettling if, while Renee was attacking, she was deadpanning “Please don’t hurt me, I’m still alive in here, it’s controlling me” and smiling, just to fuck with them. Or something like that.
Little Things
P4 S8: Ryan: “At least until you bring me something I can print.” What does this mean? Is she fired or not? If this is a paying job, he’s being frustratingly vague.
P5/6 S9: Is there any way to convey to the audience that he’s Canadian (the scene makes much more sense with the knowledge)? Maybe Canadian plates on his car, or something the Sheriff says? [aside: I assume, now that Zack is Canadian, that you’re planning on adding a lot of “Eh?”s in the next draft. Does Final Draft have some kind of macro for this?]
P10 S13: For some reason I’m not digging the first Renee/Lilly exchange. Until this point I’ve really liked the changes, I think they’ve all been for the better. But something about this convo seems a little forced. Maybe the fact that Renee randomly recognizes Renee? Lilly’s pre-med major and the nice “manual labor” line could come up in a less-convoluted way (“What’s your major?” being a default icebreaker for college students”).
The more I think about it, I think this conversation should happen when the two of them are painting, and with the boob thing. Also, the lesbian-foreshadowing would be a little masked because by this point it’s clear that Renee’s a little slutty, and the audience might interpret that as the source of Lily’s awkwardness.
P11 S15: Will: “Watch it.” Aggression implies Will sees Sam as a threat, whereas something condescending would imply that he views Sam out of his league
(“Watch it, chief”).
P13-17 S16-18: From a production standpoint, it might make more sense to break this stuff up into separate scenes or angles with unique numbers. Same thing later when Will is walking through the house from the roof to the woods (S25).
P22 S25: Will: “About 100 yards that way.” That’s pretty specific for someone who just found out about the outhouse. Although I do kinda like the football/touchdown/sex metaphor.
P29 S39: Jenn: “…and three girls painting.” Isn’t Jenn on landscape duty?
P48 S60: Zack: “Write a story about it and get your big break. Sure.” This is kind of a leap for Zack, much more so than in previous drafts. How did he guess this? Additionally, you cut the part where Zack compares the two of them taking advantage of an incredible opportunity, which I always thought helped Jenn rationalize the theft enough to not rat him out right then. As it is now, it’s like he changes the subject and she forgets all about it.
P79, S92: Lily: “You need to kill her.” I’d think this would tip off the others right away. I can’t imagine un-afflicted Lily, even recently attacked, advocating killing her outright; she seems like a pacifist. Bad acting on afflicted Lilly’s part? Either way, it kinda tips your hand. Stop her, get her, even shoot her, but not kill her.
P81-83 S94: Zack figures out that the afflicted can’t handle smoke because he half-sees Renee’s eyes turn black during her coughing fit? If so, why does he take almost a page and a half to explain this to the others? If not, then how DOES he know? So far it’s just been Renee that’s been coughing.
Typos
P26 S37: Kyle’s missing a line, or has an extra character heading.
P82 S94: Kyle aims the gun at him. Before and after this, Tom has the gun, not Kyle.
In Conclusion
This draft was a big leap forward from the previous one. Two of my biggest critiques of the previous draft (boring descriptions and lack of scary stuff ) have been completely resolved. Most of my critique here is either nitpicky or stuff that was likely overlooked when other stuff changed, and almost all of it can be fixed very easily without changing anything major.
Still, Zack somehow "knowing" that Tom and Lily are afflicted is a major hangup for me. Their afflicted status is the last mystery for Zack to solve; after that, it's all action and survival. Aside from this, you've been very careful with what the characters know and how they know it.
Overall: Excellent work. I'm continually impressed with each progressive draft.
Praise
I like the restructuring of the beginning. I think it maintained everything important from the previous, getting it all to the audience more efficiently and entertainingly. Zack and Jenn seemed much more like protagonists in this version. Good work!
Renee credit card scene: awesome.
Renee is much more likable in the first 25 pages, and I think that’ s a good thing. Rolling her and Ashley into one character eliminated some weaker and duplicate scenes (seeing someone get afflicted again, the group debating whether or not someone is afflicted again). Having her be the first afflicted instead of Will solidifies her role as the antagonist from start to finish. In retrospect, previous drafts had a 24-like feel where killing one antagonist just revealed another working behind the scenes. Much better now.
Big Things
Lily’s thing for Renee doesn’t feel as well setup as in previous drafts (with Ashley), making the kiss come out of nowhere. At least two parts of that arc have been cut since the last draft: Lily being uncomfortable with Ashley’s boobs in her face on the bus, and Ashley accidentally changing in front of Lily. Not to sound like a boob-crazy male, but the thing on the bus really planted the seed for the whole arc, and I think that image can easily but transplanted into this draft (during Lily and Renee’s first conversation on the bus, or when they’re painting). Even with that, another middle step (in place of Ashley changing) might need to be added to make this arc feel complete.
Additionally, Lily's choice to kiss a woman made a lot more sense with Ashley: She was friendly, a tomboy, and spoke more than once about being open to new experiences. Not that these traits automatically equal lesbian/bi, but you could see how a desperate Lily could make that leap. With Renee, not so much.
One of my biggest problems with some of the previous drafts got worse in this draft: Why did Zack attack Tom with the axe and yell, “He’s one of them, they both are.” (P87 S99)? What indication does he have that Tom and Lily are afflicted? In the previous drafts there was Tom’s alien/zombie thing, which I thought was a weak reason to axe someone in the back of the head, especially when he’d already wrongfully killed Sam. I this draft Zack doesn’t even have that (thin) reason (although it was set up even more this time with the tabloid on the bus). There is no reason that Zack should know Tom is afflicted, enough so that he attacks him without any questioning or test. Let alone Lily.
Along those lines, I still don't see any kind of change in Zack. The part where Zack starts to bail then decides against it (S72) could function as this change, except for two things. 1) P83 S94: Zack is all about covering the exits and making sure Renee doesn’t escape. On P86 (S98) he decides again to bail with no real provocation. Doesn't this kinda cancel out the almost-leaving-then-deciding-to-help-the-others scene 72? He seems really flip-floppy at this part, changing his priorities to serve the dramatic tension of the scene, not with any kind of internal consistency. 2) As S72 written, it's a little unclear why Zack turns around and heads back to camp. I know it's supposed to be him deciding to help the others, but it looks like it could just as easily be him forgetting something. My suggestion: have him catch a glimpse of the graves right before he stops and says "Fuck..."
Is it part of the afflicted’s programming that when they outnumber the humans, they not only attack openly but also spout unnecessary, clichéd dialogue? Some examples: “We’re too strong for you now.” “You don’t stand a chance.” “Do you really think you can escape?” “You won’t get out of here alive.” All within the span of two pages. I see where you’re going: the afflicted talking calmly during these intense fights is unsettling. But these are pretty generic, weak taunts. Remember before when Will was tied to the tree and completely mind-fucking everyone? Some more of that here would be awesome. Taunts intended to confuse or disorient the humans. Simultaneous psychological warfare and ass-kicking. It’d be really unsettling if, while Renee was attacking, she was deadpanning “Please don’t hurt me, I’m still alive in here, it’s controlling me” and smiling, just to fuck with them. Or something like that.
Little Things
P4 S8: Ryan: “At least until you bring me something I can print.” What does this mean? Is she fired or not? If this is a paying job, he’s being frustratingly vague.
P5/6 S9: Is there any way to convey to the audience that he’s Canadian (the scene makes much more sense with the knowledge)? Maybe Canadian plates on his car, or something the Sheriff says? [aside: I assume, now that Zack is Canadian, that you’re planning on adding a lot of “Eh?”s in the next draft. Does Final Draft have some kind of macro for this?]
P10 S13: For some reason I’m not digging the first Renee/Lilly exchange. Until this point I’ve really liked the changes, I think they’ve all been for the better. But something about this convo seems a little forced. Maybe the fact that Renee randomly recognizes Renee? Lilly’s pre-med major and the nice “manual labor” line could come up in a less-convoluted way (“What’s your major?” being a default icebreaker for college students”).
The more I think about it, I think this conversation should happen when the two of them are painting, and with the boob thing. Also, the lesbian-foreshadowing would be a little masked because by this point it’s clear that Renee’s a little slutty, and the audience might interpret that as the source of Lily’s awkwardness.
P11 S15: Will: “Watch it.” Aggression implies Will sees Sam as a threat, whereas something condescending would imply that he views Sam out of his league
(“Watch it, chief”).
P13-17 S16-18: From a production standpoint, it might make more sense to break this stuff up into separate scenes or angles with unique numbers. Same thing later when Will is walking through the house from the roof to the woods (S25).
P22 S25: Will: “About 100 yards that way.” That’s pretty specific for someone who just found out about the outhouse. Although I do kinda like the football/touchdown/sex metaphor.
P29 S39: Jenn: “…and three girls painting.” Isn’t Jenn on landscape duty?
P48 S60: Zack: “Write a story about it and get your big break. Sure.” This is kind of a leap for Zack, much more so than in previous drafts. How did he guess this? Additionally, you cut the part where Zack compares the two of them taking advantage of an incredible opportunity, which I always thought helped Jenn rationalize the theft enough to not rat him out right then. As it is now, it’s like he changes the subject and she forgets all about it.
P79, S92: Lily: “You need to kill her.” I’d think this would tip off the others right away. I can’t imagine un-afflicted Lily, even recently attacked, advocating killing her outright; she seems like a pacifist. Bad acting on afflicted Lilly’s part? Either way, it kinda tips your hand. Stop her, get her, even shoot her, but not kill her.
P81-83 S94: Zack figures out that the afflicted can’t handle smoke because he half-sees Renee’s eyes turn black during her coughing fit? If so, why does he take almost a page and a half to explain this to the others? If not, then how DOES he know? So far it’s just been Renee that’s been coughing.
Typos
P26 S37: Kyle’s missing a line, or has an extra character heading.
P82 S94: Kyle aims the gun at him. Before and after this, Tom has the gun, not Kyle.
In Conclusion
This draft was a big leap forward from the previous one. Two of my biggest critiques of the previous draft (boring descriptions and lack of scary stuff ) have been completely resolved. Most of my critique here is either nitpicky or stuff that was likely overlooked when other stuff changed, and almost all of it can be fixed very easily without changing anything major.
Still, Zack somehow "knowing" that Tom and Lily are afflicted is a major hangup for me. Their afflicted status is the last mystery for Zack to solve; after that, it's all action and survival. Aside from this, you've been very careful with what the characters know and how they know it.
Overall: Excellent work. I'm continually impressed with each progressive draft.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Adam Caudill bio & Funraising ideas
Here is my bio. It will probably be revised before the press pack is finalized (like everything in the press pack)
Adam Caudill (Writer, Director, Producer) has a diverse breadth of experience that will aid him in the production of Afflicted. He produced Housemates, a seven episode web series with a cast and crew of 35. He has written and directed shorts in genres across the spectrum.
The productions he has worked on have been defined by two things, his passion for film making and his ambition for bigger and better final products. Both of these will fuel the production of Afflicted towards its chance of success.
also this is the list of ideas I had for fund raising:
- Contact distributors : sometimes you can pre-sell distribution, which could get us money but could also limit our distribution options.
- Website where anybody can invest: I think this is key, and we have to make it simple and seamless, also the video explaining the project and how investment works would do well here.
- The press pack: Already top priority.
- try and get some interviews/news coverage with horror movie fan sites. (perhaps market it as a fan funded film. and try and divert some traffic over to our website.)
- Look into grants
- Venture capitalist
- getting more traditional news coverage.
- Submit script to festivals and go shmooze at them.
- Loans
Adam Caudill (Writer, Director, Producer) has a diverse breadth of experience that will aid him in the production of Afflicted. He produced Housemates, a seven episode web series with a cast and crew of 35. He has written and directed shorts in genres across the spectrum.
The productions he has worked on have been defined by two things, his passion for film making and his ambition for bigger and better final products. Both of these will fuel the production of Afflicted towards its chance of success.
also this is the list of ideas I had for fund raising:
- Contact distributors : sometimes you can pre-sell distribution, which could get us money but could also limit our distribution options.
- Website where anybody can invest: I think this is key, and we have to make it simple and seamless, also the video explaining the project and how investment works would do well here.
- The press pack: Already top priority.
- try and get some interviews/news coverage with horror movie fan sites. (perhaps market it as a fan funded film. and try and divert some traffic over to our website.)
- Look into grants
- Venture capitalist
- getting more traditional news coverage.
- Submit script to festivals and go shmooze at them.
- Loans
Sunday, November 16, 2008
First Post
This is the new Afflicted-Movie blog.
I hope everyone is as excited about this blog as I am.
-Adam
I hope everyone is as excited about this blog as I am.
-Adam
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